silent_scorer

I’ve been lost. Drifted away from the soul of the world. Wandering the vast horizon, searching endlessly for the reason for my existence. After what seemed an eternity, i became tired and weary. just when i was about to tremble and fall, i saw a flower…a flower in the middle of the desert. It was alone yet still, it was grand and bold. My desolation vanished instantly, for the mere spectacle of it brought overflowing bliss and contentment. Over time, i developed an affection for it, never did i demand for it to feel the same way for me. Slowly i realized that this was the key to the door that would bring me back home. I wanted to take the flower with me, for it has made me see more clearly, breath more freely and feel more sensitively. Suddenly, i realized that it was so selfish of me to do just that. For someday, someone else would be lost in the desert and wont find their way back home if i took it with me. I decided to leave it behind, taking with me only the memory of the flower that helped me find my way back home. Is’nt it wonderful that amidst the turmoil and misery, something or someone will be there to inspire us and restore our being? Ive been fortunate to find someone who not only inspired me, but also helped me realize something that i thought i was not capable of doing. And that is, to adore someone unconditionally. Although our paths have crossed in the wrong place and at the wrong time, i would certainly look back, smile and be thankful.  That somehow, i have met a person so humble, amazing and gifted. Someone worth remembering. For touching my soul greatly.

Recent events have caused me to recall the numerous occasions where most people would describe it as “malas”. Since the time I probably started to crawl, mishaps here and there started to happen to me. Although that’s quite common, I would consider my experiences as above average. Being labeled way back since I was a kid as being an accident prone person, I attempted to defy the statement. Yet the more I dodge the path of misfortune, the more I inevitably stumble into it. So, allow me to enumerate some of my wildest and intense experiences that I would consider as worthy of being a part of “a series of unfortunate events”.

> At a party of my parents’ friend, I was playing with some other kids in the swing. Back then, being the type who wanted to be in the center of attraction, I usually tend to show off…and so I did. I stood up on the seat of the swing and started going back and forth like crazy! Slowly, the kids started watching me and cheered for me to go higher. Success! Mission accomplished! While I was reaching the highest point…BANG!!! My head slammed onto the metal rail of the swing. I felt some burning sensation but reassured everyone I was fine. Sitting on the swing, trying to recover from the incident and the embarrassment, one of the yaya stared at me and asked me if I was ok. I said I was fine. “Pero may dugong tumutulo” said the yaya. “Pawis lang po yan” I replied. So I wiped off what I thought was sweat dripping heavily on the side of my head. Soon as I looked at my hand, I realized she was right on! I just smiled, walked towards my dad who already had the “what have you done now?” look on his face. I started crying after I came close cuz I knew I was gonna get it! And I did get it. He then took me home and stitched my head without anesthesia. Thanks dad!

> When I was around 7 years old, I had a vacation with my parents and relatives in Cebu. One fine day during our vacation, my dad took me for a drive in an old tamaraw van. So, I was enjoying the scenery when all of a sudden, for some unknown reason, the door on my side suddenly opened! Seatbelts during that time were apparently just for decorative purposes cuz I never remembered myself religiously using them till college. Then the obvious thing happened. I saw the road getting closer to me…or I was getting closer to the road since I was falling from the van, then there was total silence and darkness. I passed out. Next thing I remembered was hearing voices saying “oh, ayos lang sya” and “ayan gumagalaw na”. Like a scene from a movie…I slowly opened my eyes and I saw several heads over me. I got out of it with just a few scratches. Still lucky? I know I am. But there’s more…

I sit in this room with some questions in mind

Some form of uncertainty starts to arise

How would things turn out to be

And will it be what’s in store for me

Then a thought suddenly comes into mind

There’s something I start to realize

My questions vanish, my uncertainty dissipates

For my life gradually brightens up

Every time I think of being in the warmth of your touch

Sometimes I just wish I could start my life all over again. Sometimes I wish life was like a computer where there was a restart button you can push when things aren’t going well. Sometimes I reach a point when I just want to break free from all the mishaps and trials. Sometimes I regress. Sometimes I falter. Sometimes I stumble. Sometimes I weep. But during these times, I still manage to summon all the strength that’s left within me. Heaving it from the depth of despair and anguish which surrounds the only thing that I’ve got left. The power and might that emerges saves me from sinking completely and gives me enough energy to recover fully. I have dealt with my demons, and now its time to rise beyond the shadows of doubt and the grasp of fear. I’m in control and I will not take any punishment no more. The days of the scourge is about to end. So behold the unwavering torrent coming your way.

Typically, I celebrate my birthday the normal way a Filipino man like me would do it, which is turn into a beer-drinking, smoke-puffing, karaoke-singing, sisig-eating machine! We all know the rest is history after that. This year though, that was not the case. The day I turned 25, the last thing I imagined happened to me. I welcomed it with all the energy sucked out of me. I was shivering under my cold sheets, out of breath and burning like fire. Not to mention the crushing headache and the painful cough to complete the whole package. It was the worst thing that could possibly happen next to being out cold, dead drunk…which I already experienced a few years ago during my birthday too. But this was miserably different!

Standing up straight and walking was quite a challenge already. I felt my legs trembling under me. For a while, I felt like a toddler learning how to walk. But that experience for a toddler must be exciting. For me, it was frustrating! Geez! Of all the days this could have happened…why today!? That was just the beginning. Being seriously sick a week before my much awaited trip to the Philippines creates the highest level of anxiety! Of course, I had no idea till when this plague is going to last. Next is the ER scenario. Being an employee of the hospital, I expected a little help from the staff to expedite my case. But unfortunately, I had to wait in the lounge together with the rest of the patients and wait for my turn. So, being the obedient person that I am, I sat in the lounge and waited. Now, to cut the long story short, I stayed there for a total of 5 hours just to have a check-up, lab works, x-ray and get my meds prescription. Sounds like a long time to have a few things done huh? Guess there wasn’t much I could have done. So I returned to my abode, rested in bed and hoped for my appetite to return cuz I was just in no mood to eat. Finally my mom and my brother came to pick me up and drive me back to la to start my recuperation.

This whole experience came with lessons that I will truly value. Allow me to enumerate:

Ø Do the best that you can to stay healthy cuz damn!   You won’t be a happy camper if you get sick!

Ø Having a family to take care of you is priceless

Ø Friends who stay with you in good times and bad times are irreplaceable

Ø Lastly, all things might fail, but prayers definitely wont

Now that I’m almost fully recovered, I’m all set to travel back home. Tomorrow is officially the start of my highly anticipated vacation back to the Philippines…success!( in Borats accent)! I may not have celebrated my birthday here, but I definitely will when I’m already there and it’s going to be freaking wild hehe! So, till next time my peeps!

          Probably as early as my high school days, I’ve always thought about getting a tattoo. What ever held me back from getting one? Its definitely the thought of what my dad would possibly say or do! Since he is capable of performing a surgical tattoo removal on me which I was told is far more excruciating than getting one. But that was ages ago. I am still thinking of getting one, but this time its for real. I’m sure the family doctor wouldn’t mind anymore, now that I’ve passed the stage of what he thought was the "dark age" of all men which is adolescence. Now, what exactly would I get though? A cow and a chicken? Ants crawling on my arm? The hardest sodoku puzzle I could find? Or a portrait of myself? Thats a little vain huh? Any suggestions?

          Boom tarat tarat! Boom tarat tarat! Tararat! Tararat! Boom! Boom! Boom! This song got freaking stuck in my head for 2 straight days! By the time i wake up, circulate at work, go to the gym, and before going to bed I’d be humming this song! Ok, heres the thing. A couple of years ago I remember myself telling my mom that I don’t watch wowowee and never will, even if I get to the states. But now that I’m here, whats up with that!? Seriously! Not only do I watch it, but I actually find myself immensely consumed by the show! Delaying any other activities just to see whose going to be the next bigatin! Very entertaining I tell you. Now, I’m really more of the kapamilya peeps, so having TFC in LA is great. But how in the world can I not see the show if they play it at least 5 times a day!? But what is it really that draws so much people to watch a show such as wowowee? I mean, theres nothing actually new about it, right? Maybe, It really does bring Pinoys here, and in all other foreign countries closer to home. Its almost a tourist destination already for crying out loud! I personally watch it cuz of the fine hosts they have! No, im not pertaining to Willie! I mean Janelle and Mariel! These chics are so caliente! Not only that, they project a… as my mom would say it, "walang keme" attitude and appearance. And thats exactly what I find attractive, WALANG ARTE!

          Should I really say its a short-lived new years resolution? Strictly speaking, it never was lived at all. Not yet. It only existed for a few days in my head as a thought, which is yet to be put into realization. So what is it? What else!? Quit smoking! Like, I’ve been saying that to myself for several years already. How many last sticks have I puffed already? Can’t count anymore. Should I be in desperate need of professional help? Hopefully I’m not to that point yet. But I know I will if I dont do something about it right now. A simple error in judgement, compounded over time, will pull me down the curve of failure and take away everything I’ve hoped for and dreamed about…forever! If I just seriously think about that, I know I can make it happen. Plus, it will save me a few bucks a month! Yahoo!

Alrite then! Allow me to end this with a few shout outs!

Kixmodela- I should always be reminded to prepare myself at all times for a jaw-aching experience whenever I’m with you! Dude, all we do is laugh! laugh! laugh!

Ryantulongges- I bid you good fortune on your chic-hunting expedition my man! Just a little advice, take it easy on the craigslist thing! If you know what I mean!

Jezganda- Great to finally spend time with you again and catch up after almost a year. Show me some more morbid pics and lets do some poetry reading at the same time! Righteous combination!

JPbading- Guam sounds like a good place for a vacation, but I suggest you guys go here in Bakersfield instead! Try summer season, you wont regret it!

Atiting- Send for my next patient please!

Bebechic- Jump into your two-piece bikini and don’t forget the lotion cuz I’m ready for a wakeboarding experience!

Geofngasngas- hook me up for fifteen minutes!

And to everyone else including those who are graduating from college, starting a new career, recently got married, planning to get married, having a baby and currently making a baby, I wish y’all the best! Happy 2007!

On a cold and chilly evening

I stepped outside in the open

Savoring the whole experience

Of something I didn’t grow up to notice

As I lit my cigarette

I looked up at the heavens

How beautiful the whole sight was

Just to see the moon and the stars

Suddenly a thought came to me

Like I had to question one more time again

What on earth am I doing here?

And why is it not yet so clear?

I fell in an abyss in an instant

Searching for answers or at least a clue

Then it came to me in a form so unexpected

A glimmer of light mystically radiated

I’ve been operating within my limits

And now its time to go above and beyond

The final piece of the puzzle lies in my hands

Leaping to the distance will be done at a glance

A certain sense of serenity comes to me in my sleep. For I dream that I share a moment with you dancing in paradise. The beauty of your eyes sparkle like stars in the night, your lips so soft and tender deserves a sweet kiss, you stride so free like the leaves of a tree. I will surrender to you my heart, my body and my soul. Though they are my precious treasure, I’ll still gain so much pleasure. Come dance with me as we soar to the heavens. For in my heart and in my mind, you are the epitome of beauty and perfection.

Captivated by the beauty of your simplicity and grace

Never have I seen a smile fit perfectly in ones face

Slowly felt your warmth and radiance

Instantly noticed your breathtaking appearance

Attempted to entwine myself with you despite the odds

Pledged to undertake the tasks necessary to be favored by the gods

For I believe it all will be worthwhile

If I could create the spark turn into fire

My wishes were soon granted

The rest of the world conspired to help me achieve what I wanted

I once again proved the spectators’ wrong

It was my faith that held me intact and strong

Cherished the moments of immense pleasure

How wonderful it is to possess such treasure

Thanked the heavens for giving me a reason

To live each day with great hope and passion

Lured by that of which men find appealing

Like a slithering snake, capable of deceiving

Engaged in the play that I thought would be stimulating

Soon realized that it’s orchestrated to create suffering

Guilty of being a prey of temptations and acute satisfactions

Failed to meet your worthy expectations

Enraged by the consequences of my actions

Weakened by all imaginable distractions

Surrendered to the pride that evolves around an immature being

Blamed the circumstances for all the wrong doing

An absolute fool to accept the loss in the battle

Retreated to my haven and cradle

Drowned in the sea of memories you’ve left behind

Tormented by the lingering images that’s been kept in my mind

Imprisoned and trapped in my own past

Recipient of a love that is yet to be surpassed

Habang ito’y ginagawa ko,

May natuklasang nakakapanibago

Tagalog ko palay limitado

Kaya ang mga nagamit ay salitang kanto

Eto at pag tiyagaan ninyong basahin

At sabihin kung ano pang dapat gawin

Nais ko lamang ay pagandahin

Ang unang tulang naisip sulatin

Isang makasalanang gabi

Ako’y iyong inakit at sinabi

Wag nang mabahala, di ako magsasabi

Hinayaan ko na lamang, bahala na mangyari

Ika’y lumapit ng dahan-dahan

Mahirap talaga pag tinatamaan

Pag-iisip ko’y di na maintindihan

Gusto ko, subalit malaking katarantaduhan

Pinaghalong init at desperasyon

Isang nakakabaliw na kombinasyon

Ganito ba talaga pag matagal nang hindi naibaon?

Gagawin na ang lahat, mailabas lang ang kaong

Buti bago pa man magsimula ang makasalanang gabi

Ako’y nagkamalay muli at sinabi

Hoy pare walang ganyanan!

Tingnan mo, meron din ako nyan!